The Bucket List.

So here's a question for you....If you found out you were going to die, lets say in a year or two years or even five years, what are the first things you would do? ......What thoughts would go through your head? What plans would you make?
Before Monday, I wonder if my answers would be different than they are right now.

Today, at 3:30 pm, I was told that I am now a stage 4 cancer patient. For those of you who don't know the cancer stages, that translates to terminally ill. I will someday die from breast cancer.
The thoughts that have gone through my head are endless, and depressing, and confusing, maddening, terrifying, I even at one moment felt a pang of excitement. My mind has been a vortex of confusion. While at the same time, I have been making my mental list of the things I need to do with what time I have left.
Obviously one of the things on the list(though not at the top) were: 'write it down'.
As horrific as all of this is, I feel the need to record it. I wonder if someday my kids will read these things and be horrified that I had such thoughts or that I even voiced them, but I feel like I need to write. Maybe it just for my own sanity.
Even now, as I sit here seven hours after the final blow was given, my mind is utter chaos. I'm sure I will look back on this entry and see how.....I don't know, I cant even think of the word to describe how twisted this all sounds. Yeah, twisted that's a good one.

So a little backstory just to clarify how this has all played out. I began feeling pain in my back and ribcage about six weeks ago. I thought I had pulled something in my thoracic spine. Even after rest, and meds, and ice and message, the pain lessened though never went away completely. I finally went to see an orthopedic on Thursday of last week. He ordered an MRI, and by Monday my oncologist was involved and there was suspected, but unconfirmed metastatic disease (aka breast cancer that has spread). I had to take charge of the testing and scheduling, other wise I would still be in the dark, because the doctors were dragging their feet as usual, not really thinking things were serious. Scott got the ball rolling, and some blessings of having a friend who is a radiologist, got me in for the testing on STAT priority. I have had that dark cloud feeling lately and I wanted to know "yesterday" what was going on. Not to mention we have had a trip to Destin planned and I didn't want to cancel that!
Anyway, I have been on the anti cancer drug Tamoxifen for almost three years now, I had a clean CT scan 11 months ago and clean blood work 6 months ago. Today I found out that I have cancer in my skeletal system, liver, and possibly lungs. HOW does that happen? How? How can I go from clean tests, to Stage 4 cancer in 11 months??? No one can answer me either. All the doctors are just as baffled. They will know more when my labs come back from a biopsy they will perform on my liver when I return from my trip. Yep, I'm going on the trip. This will be the last fun vacation for a while, and I am NOT missing it.
But as usual, those burning questions are running through my head, why? why? why? Why me?
My 9 year old asked me that tonight. She wondered why Heavenly Father would make us go through things that are bad, and hard. I simply reminded her of the millions of stories from the scriptures about people who were given trials so they could learn, and the people who fell into wickedness when they never had any trials. Our trials are evidence that Heavenly Father DOES love us, and wants us to learn. There are things I obviously haven't figured out. I'm really hard headed I guess.

So some of the things that went trough my head, my biggest fears in all of this; is what will I leave in my wake? What will it do to my children and husband? What will I teach my children? What are the most important things to tell them, and teach them? I have to get my mothering in NOW! I cant procrastinate! What can I possibly leave behind that will be of meaning to them, and to my husband? The thing that I have realized, is that I'm going to be a busy girl. I don't want to go, regretting not making sure my family knows that I love them. Because above all other things on my "Bucket List" THAT is at the top.

My best friend said just last week when I was complaining about all the housework I had to do,
"Heavenly Father isn't going to ask you how clean you kept your house, Hes going to ask you if your kids knew you loved them." She said that. One week ago. Before any of this happened. How could any one statement, have more meaning to me than that? I want them to know, and never ever, ever wonder if I loved them. And I haven't been that good at showing it before now. Its really sad that it takes something terrible, to make something good happen.

So today, my perspective has changed, my life did a complete 180. I went from blistful happiness, to a living night mare. But even now, only 7 hours into it, I have witnessed more than one miracle. So I will look for the blessings in each day that Im allowed to spend here on Earth. I will search for a reason to smile; I will teach what I havent taught; I will remind, where things might be forgotten; I will show love, that I didnt show before; I will say yes, when I would have normally said no. My house might get dirty and somethings will be left undone, but when my Heavenly Father decides to take me from this place, I will not have to wonder if my family and friends knew that I loved them.

PS. I have started my Caringbridge site up again. Please visit it at www.caringbridge.org site name allisonarnett. Please sign the guest book.